Christy fell out of bed around 3:30 this morning. I heard a soft thud and a tiny whimper and found him sitting on the floor next to his bed with his eyes still closed and a slight look on his face as if his feelings had been hurt. I helped him back in bed and snuggled him a bit. As I lay there with my arms wrapped around him I let my brain gears start to spin. I know better than to do that but, I couldn't stop myself. So, this night I began to worry about how I have may or may not have neglected and or screwed up his life. Eventually this led me to contemplate the others in my household who depend upon me so much. And finally, I found myself down stairs making a list of contemplations regarding my mother and her relationship with my dad, my siblings and with me (from my personal perspective). Then it was on to what she inadvertently taught me about relationships with those I love as well as my own self. Now, I'm not going to bore you with any of these details but suffice it to say...I'm awake. I'm really not one to lurk in the night and I made sure to let David know it was my turn to be wide eyed in the dark. I must note here that it takes a pretty loud sigh to wake that man up. Maybe I was being a little vengeful. Ultimately, I have put my insomnia to use and done a reasonable amount of nocturnal soul searching. Hopefully my psyche is all the better for it and I am coming away with a new (long term) perspective. In the short term, in about an hour, when the morning rush is on, my perspective will be on the cranky side and seen through puffy eyelids. I will try to remember that it is my deep love and caring for these people in front of me...yes, the ones right here before me, who are now participating in this morning's steeplechase/free-for-all (that inevitably will result in my extreme dislike of each of them), that gave me this not so delightful attitude.
I tell David that I live in an unending state of triage. The biggest fire or the most blood gets addressed first, regardless of what started out at the top of my list. My contemplations led me to ask myself a good question. It is, "Where is God asking me to focus my energy?" I am sure He wants me for a variety of uses so I will ask myself this often. Maybe, from now on, I won't be so wasteful. I'll have an inner enviro-friendliness!
I ask myself that question often, too. And it's always good to just Sit, Be Still and Think. If more people did just that, the world would surely be a better place!
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