You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

My husband, the dreamer...

My husband relayed a nightmare that he had a night or two ago. He dreamt he was on a beach of some sort with many people. Every one was working to clean up what appeared to be massive quantities of dog …uh, err…well, I’ll just say it…crap. It was stinking and disgusting and it was knee deep everywhere. Some one next to him, who in the dream he thought he knew as a person very close to him and yet was identifiable, suddenly flung a massive and steaming mound of it, hitting him square in the face. He was horrified and nauseated and absolutely furious. He scrambled to find a means in which he could use to clean it off. He found water and rags and began working diligently to remove this horrible mass that had been let fly upon him while he was just minding his own business. He wiped and he washed and wiped some more, but the mess couldn’t be fully removed. He plunged his head in buckets of water and scrubbed with a variety of paper towels and wash clothes and sponges, but no matter what he did he could never get rid of it all. He managed to conquer his forehead only to find more of the vile stuff on his chin, and as he washed that away, more would appear on his right ear or on the back of his neck or in his hair. And then…he woke up.

He was very upset by this dream, clearly, as he never feels the need to tell me details of his dreams. I love talking over my dreams with my sister is who is quite studied in the interpretation of them. Dreams can be metaphors for many pertinent issues in one’s life. Water, for example, is part of letting something go. Babies can be shout outs for one to take care of oneself a little more. So…what is dog crap then? Actually, I think I have the theme of this dream pegged and it made me chuckle a bit. My task, as his wife, is to lead him to find the humor in this mystical message so that he might understand in which direction he needs to head next.

Hello!

Today is the day I get back to my thoughts. It has been so busy and I have haven't had a bit of time to write down a thing in ages. So, in an effort to remember myself a little each day...or at least on a weekly basis, I am making a promise to myself that I will get back to my thoughts, delusions and random brain blips. I know EVERYBODY is awaiting my next wisdom (that's sarcasm for those less cynical than me) and as soon as I make since of all the voices in my head I'll lay it out right here. Until then!

uhhhhh...

I want to say something...but I'm at a loss for words. Remember this moment.

A very nice day!

We had a great Saturday. Kiki spent Friday night and all of Saturday with his nanny so we were free to move about at our own inclination. We missed him, but in all honesty, that kind of freedom is what I have missed out on most in my life. I ended up taking Trenton to use his Xmas gift certificate at Lucky Jeans. He got into the fashion and found a couple things that were accented with evil looking skullish characters. I don't know if everybody knows that clothing company but its for young adults, and also appropriate if you live in a place like Austin or LA and can get away with going to work in a sport coat and dark jeans, with or without socks and possibly flip flops. His 8Th grade class has a dance coming up and they have to wear "slacks" and dress shoes, which makes Trenton furious. These kind of clothes pacify him and his private middle school at the same time. Lucky has a lot of items with Ganja and whiskey references, so we had to closely examine the graphics before we made our purchase. Luckily, Trenton is a bit too chicken to push the limits on that kind of controversy.
I wanted him to contribute a bit of cash to the purchase, but he gave me a puppy dog look and said, "But I thought we could go to the book store. I wanted to buy the rest of my favorite book series!" I could only sigh and pull out the credit card at that kind of drama. I'm such a sucker! So, off we went to the book store and then decided to stop for a bite of lunch. David had gone for a long bike ride with T's God Father and as he and I sat down we looked up to see them arriving in full cycling regalia, looking hungry and surprised to see us all at once! It is quite a spectacle to see two cyclists click clack through a restaurant in their Lycra shorts and helmets. Fortunately, Houston has finally gotten used to such sights and no one cowered in fear or from the aroma! We had a wonderful impromptu meal and Trenton enjoyed the special time with his two favorite people (and me).

A bit more of the afternoon was spent re outfitting Trenton and Margo in shoes of a variety of specifications. They are simply growing out of control and I am seriously considering diluting all of their food in an effort to slow them down! The rest of the day was just as uninteresting but incredibly pleasant. The Dogs received baths and bonus walks and we allowed ourselves to wait an extra long wait at the Mexican restaurant for dinner, as we had no deadlines to meet.

To me, this is what makes a perfect day. Nothing big or glamorous. Just moving at my own pace and where ever the whim takes me. I wish everyday could be this way with no homework or science projects; no curfew; no plans.

Sunday was back to reality and spent on school projects, research papers and cleaning up the kitchen after David and Margo decided they were going to get creative with cooking. It was very nice to have my Kiki back, though!

Long ago I learned that the answer to "Why me?" is that life's struggles would give me gifts of wisdom and enlightenment and I would be richer for this knowledge. During my adult life, there have been plenty of hard moments and I embrace those times and have grown so very much because of them. I am grateful that I have been able to easily open myself to receive these lessons and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

While trying to fall (back) to sleep last night I found my self asking. "What it is that I have long needed to glean from the the segment of my life that I have never had the courage to contemplate?" And, "Am I ready to do this?" With out consciously doing so, I see I have neatly divided my life into three sections. There is me, the me when I was small, and the me that I don't talk about. That I don't even let myself think about. Now, I'm not saying that today I am ready to visit that uncomfortable portion of my life, but I will say that as my children begin to reach the ages that I was when I started making good and not so good choices, I can't avoid the subject as easily.

One of my primary missions, as a mother, has been to nurture the esteem and confidence in my children that I just never seemed able to muster as a kid. Backing up a couple of days...a few things have transpired that have really put this subject on my mind. I joined a web group that consists of my fellow high school mates, we have a son who is about to enter high school and that very same son screwed up his science grade this fall and it is going to impact his candidacy at his preferred schools. The last thing on that list is really what got me going. I found myself uncontrollably weeping because it occurred to me that, at the tender young age of 14, my beautiful boy was about to know his first regret in life. You know, one of those things that, at a later date, causes us to wish we could travel in back time just to it do over. Don't get me wrong. I do know, very well, that everything works out the way it should and this will not be the beginning of his demise as a human being on this earth. Along with frequently saying,"If it was a snake, you would already be dead," my kids are often annoyed by my loud suggestion that every one needs to "Make Lemonade!" They would prefer I make their lemonade for them, and I am afraid I am guilty of often doing so, particularly for the boy referred to above. So currently, I am miserably sitting on my hands, fighting the nausea in my gut, emitting guttural sounds and waiting for T-man to get motivated into solving his own problem. This is on the list of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Really!

Okay...back to me and my pillow thoughts of last night. So far, I have gotten to here:
I am certain that He loves me and does not hold my youthful mistakes and ignorance's forever against me. Why am I so certain? Because...I have the most amazing life! It is not glamorous or full of exotic adventures. I am not famous for my intelligence or talents nor am I over abundant with cash. But He delivered to me some one who I truly believe is my soul mate and gave us three perfect children to raise. I have many good friends and dynamic siblings, with whom the love is unconditional and the connection is deep and unbreakable. He gave me parents who did the best they could and an open heart; open to receive the wisdom of life and ultimately, its meaning. All of my days are not easy by any stretch. I know frustration, impatience, pain and sorrow. My heart has been broken many times through loss of loved ones and even by the different road He asked me to travel with our oldest son, who does not suffer from, but does have severe mental retardation. But, its my life! If I were damned by Him, surely, I would have none of these joys.

Based on this particular revelation of the wee hours, I believe He must judge the youth with a grain of salt and, through a variety of means specific to each person's individual make up, he guides us and enlightens us. In my case, it is my disposition, as well as the fact that I did not have a formal spiritual education, that makes it so that I must learn in a kinesthetic way. This might explain some of why, when I am trying to get something out of my kids and give them the choice, they always choose the hard way instead of the easy way. I have probably been too hard on myself and the details of my sewn oats aren't really unique, I'm sure...but I digress from my main point. Based on my firsthand knowledge of the textbook tween/teen, surely He would not design us with unsound minds during the formative and pubescent years just to then hold our immature mistakes against us indefinitely. It is more clear to me than ever before that I needed to make my mistakes to get to this point and to become me. With this being the case...I am faced with my greatest challenge... to give my own self the same forgiveness and love that He has generously given for me.

Was this too much information?

Can of worms

I've added my maiden name to my face book page and allowed myself to be found. Yikes. The lid of the steamer trunk in which I had packed all I had gladly left behind just slipped off and my emotions are quite mixed. I guess its time...

2010!

Its January 4 already! I haven't had a moment to ponder! Business still stinks, or actually, is stinkier than my last report. We are hearing of more and more 3rd and 4th generation lumber families who are calling it quits across the country while all the while, big bankers and car manufacturers carry on regardless of the quality of their business methods. Our fellow small business friends are about as strapped as they can be and January is not expected to bring relief. Over something like 65% of our nation's income is generated by small business, and it would appear that those of us who put in hours north of 24/7 are not the priority in Washington. So we nip and trim and then trim some more. We spend our evenings sitting close together and do our best to occupy our minds with something other than the reality of the business day. The lemonade is that our love and admiration grows exponentially for each other and our children. We have discovered we are not alone in this crowd, which is soothing in a twisted sort of way. We're drinking NA beer and watching a lot of TV...sporting events, Dirty Jobs, Myth Busters and Sponge Bob, mostly. We work to keep our thoughts productive, living in each day and looking forward, not back, except for the bits of wisdom to be gleaned. Don't misunderstand me as being depressing. I am peaceful and happy inside. I have baffled David by telling him that, in a way, I am excited by these times because of the changes that are sure to be on the horizon. Change is scary but exciting. The possibilities are limitless for us and it is all up to us. The worry is eating him up, raising his blood pressure and turning him gray but I think I temper him with my spin on things. I have always loved Scarlett's last line in Gone with the Wind after Rhett leaves her for the last time and she is left standing alone in Terra, which is in ruins because the war. I think this is paraphrasing, but what she conveyed was something like, "Oh well. I'll worry about it tomorrow." But, I don't think she worried at all. I think she went to the kitchen and had a meal, then took her bath, slept well that night and got up the next day and began again. You've gotta do what you've gotta do. I'll let you know if it comes to this...