Long ago I learned that the answer to "Why me?" is that life's struggles would give me gifts of wisdom and enlightenment and I would be richer for this knowledge. During my adult life, there have been plenty of hard moments and I embrace those times and have grown so very much because of them. I am grateful that I have been able to easily open myself to receive these lessons and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

While trying to fall (back) to sleep last night I found my self asking. "What it is that I have long needed to glean from the the segment of my life that I have never had the courage to contemplate?" And, "Am I ready to do this?" With out consciously doing so, I see I have neatly divided my life into three sections. There is me, the me when I was small, and the me that I don't talk about. That I don't even let myself think about. Now, I'm not saying that today I am ready to visit that uncomfortable portion of my life, but I will say that as my children begin to reach the ages that I was when I started making good and not so good choices, I can't avoid the subject as easily.

One of my primary missions, as a mother, has been to nurture the esteem and confidence in my children that I just never seemed able to muster as a kid. Backing up a couple of days...a few things have transpired that have really put this subject on my mind. I joined a web group that consists of my fellow high school mates, we have a son who is about to enter high school and that very same son screwed up his science grade this fall and it is going to impact his candidacy at his preferred schools. The last thing on that list is really what got me going. I found myself uncontrollably weeping because it occurred to me that, at the tender young age of 14, my beautiful boy was about to know his first regret in life. You know, one of those things that, at a later date, causes us to wish we could travel in back time just to it do over. Don't get me wrong. I do know, very well, that everything works out the way it should and this will not be the beginning of his demise as a human being on this earth. Along with frequently saying,"If it was a snake, you would already be dead," my kids are often annoyed by my loud suggestion that every one needs to "Make Lemonade!" They would prefer I make their lemonade for them, and I am afraid I am guilty of often doing so, particularly for the boy referred to above. So currently, I am miserably sitting on my hands, fighting the nausea in my gut, emitting guttural sounds and waiting for T-man to get motivated into solving his own problem. This is on the list of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Really!

Okay...back to me and my pillow thoughts of last night. So far, I have gotten to here:
I am certain that He loves me and does not hold my youthful mistakes and ignorance's forever against me. Why am I so certain? Because...I have the most amazing life! It is not glamorous or full of exotic adventures. I am not famous for my intelligence or talents nor am I over abundant with cash. But He delivered to me some one who I truly believe is my soul mate and gave us three perfect children to raise. I have many good friends and dynamic siblings, with whom the love is unconditional and the connection is deep and unbreakable. He gave me parents who did the best they could and an open heart; open to receive the wisdom of life and ultimately, its meaning. All of my days are not easy by any stretch. I know frustration, impatience, pain and sorrow. My heart has been broken many times through loss of loved ones and even by the different road He asked me to travel with our oldest son, who does not suffer from, but does have severe mental retardation. But, its my life! If I were damned by Him, surely, I would have none of these joys.

Based on this particular revelation of the wee hours, I believe He must judge the youth with a grain of salt and, through a variety of means specific to each person's individual make up, he guides us and enlightens us. In my case, it is my disposition, as well as the fact that I did not have a formal spiritual education, that makes it so that I must learn in a kinesthetic way. This might explain some of why, when I am trying to get something out of my kids and give them the choice, they always choose the hard way instead of the easy way. I have probably been too hard on myself and the details of my sewn oats aren't really unique, I'm sure...but I digress from my main point. Based on my firsthand knowledge of the textbook tween/teen, surely He would not design us with unsound minds during the formative and pubescent years just to then hold our immature mistakes against us indefinitely. It is more clear to me than ever before that I needed to make my mistakes to get to this point and to become me. With this being the case...I am faced with my greatest challenge... to give my own self the same forgiveness and love that He has generously given for me.

Was this too much information?